just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
