It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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