I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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