Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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