So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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