I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
