So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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