the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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