All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
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