woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Randomize
