why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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