Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Randomize
