I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
