his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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