he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
