So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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