she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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