I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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