Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
