If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
