i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
