It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
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that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
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Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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