What did we do last night that was yellow?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
