I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Randomize
