laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
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