It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
