I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Randomize
