Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shitshow foam night was such a success
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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