i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
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