Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
