if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
