My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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