The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
