theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
