He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
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I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
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Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Who put my cat in the fridge?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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