I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
