Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
