You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
as a side note pls kill me