When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
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THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.