I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.