Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I need moral support for this bender
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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