So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
