Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
