He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
