I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
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