i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
