made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I just want nice things and good sex
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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