so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
