Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
you mean i was at the winter classic?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Randomize
