I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
this hospital has no fireball
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
