I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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