Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
