I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
