you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
