i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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