I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
