I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
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