Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Randomize
