Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
We need to rekindle our bromance
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
