Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
